Saturday, January 30, 2010

Advice From Mr. Hatter

Dear Mr. Hatter,

It seems that the more I date the more I realize that all the good men are already taken. There has to be one guy out there that isn't a total a@#hole! How come I can't find him? 


Done With Dating

My Dear Ms. Dating,

To understand this problem more clearly you must understand that there is no "GOOD ONE" out there. There are only men and they are all the same. I'd like to tell you a little story that goes way way back. I'm sure you heard the story of Adam and Eve. Well now let me tell you the REAL happenings... the behind the scenes if you will of what went on back in those days. That garbage about the asp and how apples are bad for you is complete rubbish. It has been medically shown that apples are indeed good for you and probably healthier than dating. As far as snakes go... well they are just cool and I always felt the snake got the bad rap in this story. Nature usually does when it comes to religion.

You see the Garden was paradise. The problem was Eve. Women are complex creatures that crave change and have an exhilaration in ambition. It wasn't enough to be in the most beautiful garden in the world. She wanted to change a few things. She didn't like where the roses went over the wall and the poppies made her sneeze. She got cold and wanted to keep warm. So they wore leaves but they didn't look right to her. She wanted the lion to open up and not bury his feelings. If he enjoyed meet, then he should have it. Eve wanted more people around. She wanted to multiply. She wanted children. It was a nice place to live, but it was not her idea. It could be better.

Adam was your typical man. If it ain't broke, then don't fix it. Adam didn't have a problem with letting it hang out and just living day to day in much the same way. Why mess with a good thing. He could wake up late, shoot a couple of holes with the hyenas, talk shit with asp, never have to do the yard work, and be back in time to watch the nature bowl. To top it all off, he had his lovely Eve to keep him company. He didn't need other people around and he definitely didn't want children.

The only problem was that Eve was not happy. She packed up her leaves and left Adam in the Garden. She wanted adventure and had too many ideas bouncing around in her head to just set around and look at flowers. To be honest, Adam didn't noticed Eve's absence at first. He was happy... for a while. All men think they have it made when they think they are "FREE". But the reality is "FREEDOM" doesn't mean jack when the only company you keep is a good firm hand shack and mindless banter.

So with a heavy heart he too left the comforts of the Garden in search of Eve. The Asp dropped his arms and legs in disbelief. Adam searched the entire world for Eve. Then when he had just about given up hope he found her in the most desolate region of the planet. It was hot and dry. Dust gave the landscape variety. Adam begged Eve to go back to the Garden but she refused. He could stay there with her or leave but she wasn't going to budge.

Adam asked Eve why she wanted to stay in a hell of a place like this. She simply said, "Because it has potential".

Eve and Adam had many children, planted food on dry land, learned to navigate water, learned the value of hard work, learned the value of each other, and built their dream home with their own hands. You could say hindsight is 20/20, but I think they lived happily ever after.

So the moral of the story is that there are no good men or good women (for that matter) out there on the meat market. You see it takes two to make a couple and it takes the ambition and energy of a woman to open up the heart and true spirit of a man. Ms. Dating, you should move to the desert and wait for the Asp to follow.

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