Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Home Sweet Home

Home now. Back then... gone. Visit enjoyed, needed, but hard. Lost all orientation of connection to place while looking for a recognizable face. Lost but found familiar laughter. Discovered tears through others hardship. Memories... held on... let go... no choice. Being from a place doesn't give you claim to it. Place doesn't know you after you have left it. It just belongs to someone else now. People left behind say they are doing well. Parents say they will make it through. Sister says she is fine. Brother knows all will be okay one day.

Thoughts struggle... conflicted. I'm not okay with it. Not enough for me to just follow suit and allow it all to fall into God's hands because I can't handle the weight. Not okay I can't take the pain and struggle away that others close to me feel. Not okay I can't undo what has begun. Not enough to just sit by the phone and hope someone remembers to call and tell me everything is alright. Distance creates strangers. Have I given up my place? I am sorry, but no one has done any wrong. Everyone has just moved on. Home is no longer what was given but now becomes what we make.

I miss the cracks in the sidewalk I outlined in chalk so many years ago. But trying to go back to that same spot would take away that very chalk from the hands needing the home I gave. Please draw me a picture... of when I was little. Make it okay to feel home again. Remind me that it is all going to be okay where home means "safe" because there are no worries as long as love will forever be understood.

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