Thursday, February 4, 2010

Advice From Mr. Hatter

Dear Hatter,

I just met the girl of my dreams and it has been a wonderful few weeks together. Her Birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her. What do you give a woman that has everything a person could possibly want? Isn’t giving her my heart enough?

Signed,

Hopelessly In Love


Dear Mr. Hopeless,

Excuse me for a minute. BARF! You are new at this couples thing, aren’t you? The only thing your heart is going to buy you is the good intension of spending the day with her and a long history of dating other women because you dropped the ball on this one. So you are telling me a couple of things here. You are telling me that you are too lame to find that really unique gift that makes her want to open up to you like a blooming rose. It doesn’t sound like you are ready for that anyway Romeo. You are also saying that the fantasy woman of interest has a lot of stuff lying around. I’ll help you with the second notion. Come a little closer because I don’t want you to miss it. Storage bins. Yeah that’s right. Storage bins. What you are saying is that you think she has really cool junk and you want to help her organize it so that she knows where everything is. If you are handy, make her a display cabinet so she can put up her crap all nice and neat so that her palace ends up looking like an Art Gallery. You would be showing the domestic nesting side of yourself which would throw her off because you’re not asking for sex from a tacky piece of lingerie that is REALLY for you, and that you really care about her interests enough to really want to get to know her. Remove the idea of sex (especially around her Birthday) from her head and yours and you will see how fast that blooming rose theory works.

If you want her for ever, then make her a fancy shoe rack so that she can display all those toe holders she has in the closet. All women (and I mean ALL women) be they short, tall, big, small, timid, wild, straight, or gay LOVE shoes. Is that sexist to say? Yes. Is it true? You try and prove me wrong. In fact they love other people’s shoes as much as their own. You know what… don’t get her anything. Save up your money and buy yourself a nice gleaming pair of shoes. Make them look good so that she wants to parade you around. Women want to be with a man that has great taste. I guess the real reason they look at shoes so much is because to them they are the key to the soul. They what to know that the person they are with isn’t constantly stepping in shit, especially their future boyfriends.

Sincerely,

Mr. Hatter

1 comment:

AZviaTx said...

Keith, YES.
Women of all ilk love shoes. Don't know why that is but your observation about stepping in shit is probably the most right on. Speaking of shit...this is some funny shit! I was laughing way to hard to read it right the first time and had to double-back! Thanks for getting my day started off right...with shit! Tina